GUIDANCE MAN EPISODE #1: PUFF OF JUSTICE

Person 1:Look, what's that in the hall? Person 2:It's a hall monitor. Person3: It's a teacher. Person4:It's the principal. Narrator: No, It's Guidance Man! <<Cheesy super music starts playing>> Strange guidance councilor from another school district, he fights for truth, justice, and vending machines that won't get your snack caught on the way down. He's stronger than a #2 pencil, faster than a senior taking a SAT exam during the last 5 minutes, able to give good career advice in a single sentence. He's Guidance Man along with his sidekicks Preteen Adolescent Boy, and And Friend he will protect kids rights to have a happy healthy education! Brought to you by Jolt! Jolt! The drink of overactive kids! And Now Our Story… It was another happy day at Happyville high. The school was still cheering the success of the Happyville Hamsters Football team and the band's championship performance on the field. The Happyville Guidance office was up to it's usual routine and so was our hero Guidance Man! Now in his secret identity of mild mannered guidance councilor Bob Jones he continues the fight for freedom… and pens. Joe Smith: Hello, Mr. Jones Jones: How are your classes going, Joe? Smith: Peachy Keen, Mr. Jones. I have a test 7th period on the dangers of smoking cigarettes. Jones: Why that's a super topic, Joe. Hahaha Smith: <<laughs with Jones>> I'll see you after school for wrestling practice Mr. Jones. Jones: Goodbye Joe. Friendly: Hello Bob how is your job? Jones: Why Hello Principal Friendly, very good nice of you to ask. Friendly: will you be at the meeting during 9th period. Jones: I'll be there. Narrator: Later, during seventh period: Smith: Mr. Morris, what's a pack of cigarettes doing on your desk? Morris: There has been a change in the test. Now it will be on the advantages of smoking. So light up Joe Smith. Smith: Mr. Morris you're, you're turning into a giant cigarette!? O' Tine: I am Nick O' Tine! Have a smoke Joe! Smith: <<screaming>> NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Narrator: In the hall, Joe runs into his old friend Bill O'Brien Smith: Bill, hurry! Bill: Where are we going? Smith: Just follow me! And bring your tights! Narrator: Later in the Guidance office: Jones: What are you two doing here? Shouldn't you be in class? Smith: It's Mr. Morrise! He's actually Nick O'Tine! Jones: A health teacher gone astray? This is a job for… Bill: Um, I think Superman owns the rest of that line… Jones: Fine. It's time for the power of… *cheesy super fanfare plays* Jones: Guidance Man!! Away Woosh! Narrator: Later, in the health room: Guidance: I am here to stop you, Nick O' Tine! Preteen: And I'm here to help! &: I'll grab a Jolt… O' Tine: Wha? Guidance Man?! Guidance: That's right. O' Tine: You're too late! Preteen: Look, it's Little Billy! And he's got a cigarette in his mouth!!! Guidance: No, not Little Billy!! O' Tine: It seems I shall have the last laugh. Guidance: Not so fast! Feel the power of my Half Nelson of Knowledge! O' Tine: No. YOU feel the power of my Carcinogen Blaster! *blasting sound effect* Guidance: <<choking>> No… Over 400 carcinogens leaking into my system… Including arsenic and tar… &: Isn't arsenic in rat poison? Guidance: <<normal voice>> Why yes it is, And Friend. Preteen: Hey, don't forget about rocket fuel and swamp gas! Narrator: Also battery fluid and carbon monoxide! Guidance: Now where was I? Preteen: You were writhing on the floor gasping for air… Guidance: That's right. <<begins choking again>> &: And I was getting a Jolt… O' Tine: <<laughs maniacally>> Narrator: Will Guidance Man survive the dangers of cigarettes? Will Little Billy be sucked into nicotine addiction? Will And Friend get a hold of the last Jolt?? Find out after these messages! Salesperson: This program is brought to you by Jolt! Jolt has twice the caffeine of even Mountain Dew, so you're guaranteed to be off the wall longer! And being hyper longer means you can drive more people insane! So be happy, be hyper, drive EVERYBODY up the walls! Drink Jolt! The drink of Overactive Kids. And now, back to the Adventures of Guidance Man! *Guidance Man continues choking while Nick O' Tine continues laughing* Preteen: Evil shall never prevail! I will find a way to defeat you, Nick O' Tine! The power of Guidance always comes through! O' Tine: You are pathetic, Preteen Adolescent Boy! You are nothing without Guidance Man, who will soon succumb to the power of cigarettes! Now, it's your turn for a Carcinogen Blaster! Preteen: Nooooooo! Not that! Where are the gas masks?? Guidance: <<barely able to speak>> …doesn't… …and… …friend… …have… …them? *And Friend walks in* Everybody: And Friend?? &: Ahhh, the last Jolt. O' Tine: No! You can't drink the last Jolt! Preteen: Quickly, And Friend, give the gas mask to Guidance Man! &: OK. Guidance: <<puts it on>> I can breathe once more! You're going down, Nick O' Tine! O' Tine: But what about Little Billy? Guidance: No! I forgot about Little Billy!! O' Tine: Light up, Billy! &: <<gulps Jolt>> Billy: No! I will not give in to peer pressure… even from a giant cigarette O' Tine: You can't stop! You must smoke!!!! Guidance: He doesn't have to, Nick O' Tine. There are better things to do, like the all American past time…TV Preteen: Isn't that why almost 90% of teenagers choose not to smoke or use tobacco products? Guidance: Why, yes it is, Preteen Adolescent Boy. And others are worried about their health. &: You're with the minority, Nick O' Tine. The only advantage to smoking is that the tobacco company gets rich off of you. And that isn't even an advantage for the smoker. O' Tine: No! I will make everybody smoke! Light up, Billy! Billy: No. &: <<finishes Jolt>> Ahhh… Guidance: And now, Nick O' Tine, we will defeat you with the power of Guidance! &: And Jolt… O' Tine: No! You can't come near me! Not with the horrible stench that cigarettes leave on my clothes and body! Heroes: Eeew! That stinks!! O' Tine: And you've also forgotten about my Second-Hand Smoke Ray!! &: Not that! Preteen: Secondhand smoke has just as many carcinogens as the smoke taken in by the smoker! Guidance: That could be a problem. O' Tine: Ahh-haa-haa-haa-ha… Guidance: What happened? O' Tine: <<strained voice>> I can't breathe! Lung cancer too strong! Guidance: See? See how much smoking has harmed you? O' Tine: I'll never stop! Guidance Man: Then I must use the mighty *cheesy fanfare* Guidance: GUIDANCE BEAM!! *alien ray weapon sound* O' Tine: <<zombie-like>> Smoking…Is…Wrong…I…Must…Adjust…My…Misguided…Ways… Preteen: Look! He's turning back into Mr. Morris! Guidance: Not quite. Once you quit smoking, your body can heal itself to an extent, but some of the damage can never, ever be undone, so you should never, ever start… &: Makes sense… Preteen: But what about the test? Guidance: Let's just say that you got an "S", for "super". Heroes: <<all do cheesy laugh>> Narrator: Nick O' Teen turned back into health teacher Phillip Morris, and so the school was safe once again, for a happy healthy education, freedom, pens, and vending machines that won't get your snack caught on the way down. All thanks to… *cheesy super music again* Narrator: GUIDANCE MAAAN!! &: Also Preteen Adolescent Boy and And Friend… Narrator: But you two are just the sidekicks… Preteen and &: Oh… The End Narrator: Join us next time when Guidance Man faces off with his newest rival, Alfred Coholic.